Juniper Disco | No. 35
We in danger, girl.
Whatever is about to happen, failure of the imagination will not be my fate. We in danger, girl. Best to act accordingly.
When I was a child, I would line up my stuffed animals in an unbroken circle around me when I felt scared — a child’s witch hex against monsters and bad men. I made it through, so clearly it worked.
I’ve spent the past weeks rebuilding an adult version of those protections around me. It feels a bit like that last trip to the grocery store before the pandemic lockdown, throwing sleeves of jelly-filled cookies, cans of hearts of palm, jugs of bleach, and whatever was left on the ravaged shelves into the grocery cart.
Except this time it’s boxes of N95s and air-sealed goggles and vaccinations I’m not even due for. It’s emergency passports for the moms. It’s printing out information from federal websites before they get deleted. It’s ordering paper road maps from AAA and buying hard copies of books I don’t want wiped from my Kindle. It’s changing browsers and setting up Signal and Proton Mail accounts. It’s ordering my seeds early this year. It’s researching an escape plan four countries deep. It’s wondering how long it will be safe to write this newsletter.
I have no idea if any of these protections will be helpful in the end. At minimum, they may provide a bit of ease in a difficult situation or provide us with choices down the road or buy us some time to figure things out.
And for now, I’m letting myself grieve as messily as I want — a tumultuous cycle of panic (a personal record-setting 14-hour wave of attacks that sent me to urgent care) and quiet stillness while I gather my resolve in those dark morning hours in a silent house. And in between, I am a pouty, sulking bundle of agitation or a sobbing broken being, terrified of the future. I am an absolute delight.
I meet this moment with words from two of the wisest of sages:
“You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.” — Mary Oliver
AND
Quick interlude:
If I have anything to offer in these times, it’s what I gather in this space.
Things change quickly these days and I am currently looking for a new home for Juniper Disco — reasons here and here. Juniper Disco started on Tumblr, moved to Virb, then to Wix (where a bit of it still lives, for now), and then here to Substack. Wherever we go next, I want it to be a place that supports my values — or at least doesn’t support horrible wingers of the deplorable kind.
Thank you to those who upgraded to paid subscriptions after my last post! I am humbled and grateful. It makes it possible for me to consider this move to a safer space for all of us, a place where your investment doesn’t end up supporting people who got us into this mess.
My calendula bloomed until mid-November. I continue to be both astonished and weirded out by the growing season shifts.
I used to pick up the stones on the beach that were perfectly round, the smoothest of all the treasures. Now I pick up the rocks with scraggly nicks and holes drilled into them. They’ve been equally formed by the forces of water and just as beautiful, each one a unique gem unlike any other and more rare than the rounded smoothies.
Our home is 50 feet above sea level — the proximity both a blessing and a regular source of concern. I’m making an effort to see that sea every day — even if it’s just a glimpse. With all that is swirling, she reminds me that she is truly in charge.
I awoke early on the morning of a full moon and found Stephen curled up in the moonbeams, recharging his celestial angel cells.
This year’s New Year’s Resolution: stop googling my symptoms.
I’ve decided I need to see the big trees — the sequoias, the redwoods, and a different kind of evergreen forest on a different body of water. Beings channeling the energy from deep in the Earth. The real life Ents.
This year’s amaryllis — my favorite Neons and a new Naranja — are currently striving for the heavens. The Super Mr. named one of them Tracy Flick, super overachiever with her hand raised high.
I wish Faber Books shipped to the US. Or I lived in the UK.
When I don’t know what else to do these days, I lay on the ground and let gravity take the wheel for a moment. I can feel my bones crackle as they shift. And in extreme situations, I employ the The 21 Second Strategy. I address my panicky anxiety and tell it to do the absolute worst it can, but it only has 21 seconds to do so. Then I count down slowly from 21. So far, the worst has not happened.
I spent two and a half hours in the same room as Kit Connor. My niece and I clutched each other any time he came near us. He is tall. And very muscular. And, friends, he DAZZLED as Romeo. Also, I hope he gets through this New York run unscathed. My fellow introverted dog-loving Pisces is being mobbed by American fans.
Phrases that made me click:
“vegan cashmere” (I think it’s just acrylic or polyester) + Imperial Workshop (who doesn’t want their own light saber??? ) + “darkwave, the gothic genre lighting up pop” (I have been listening to a lot of darkwave — Twin Tribes’ “Dark Crystal” was my most listened to song of the year — and reading books set in worlds with dragons and faeries and magical systems. I am fully immersed in my Dark Forest era.)
Currently rejecting:
everything
Things that are working for me right now:
all those cozy rooms Gen Z posts on the socials + my Marlow Mini Pillow (took it to Ireland!) + Music for Dogs (on Sirius XM, we play it every single day) + this bookcase I bought to store all my TBR’s for the year (and then some, like a lot of some) + Northern Lights cube, which fills up my reading nook with warmth + the monthly digital jigsaw puzzles in the Agatha Christie newsletter + London Fog lattes to start my mornings at home
I’ve been thinking a lot about:
They FINALLY found the band that sang The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet, affectionately called “Like the Wind” by the sleuthy fans of the webs!! The real title is “Subways of Your Mind” by a German band FEX who had no idea the world was looking for them! Feel free to rabbit hole this one over on Reddit — it’s totally worth it.
Building my personal pantheon of women’s voices. When I see these names, I dive into their offerings, writings, creations, observations, wisdoms:
Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach // Sherilynn Ifill // Kerri ni Dochartaigh // Jennifer Roberts // Brittany Packnett Cunningham // Katherine May // Elizabeth-Jane Burnett // Ruth Allen // Simone Leigh // Shira Erlichman // Emilie Pine // Ruby Tandoh // Rebecca Solnit // Merve Emre // Renee Gladman // Writers: Dorothe Nors and Sheila Heti and Fleur Jaeggy and Sheila Armstrong and Clarice Lispector // Alice Fox // Elisa Gabbert // Jamie Lee CurtisThis amazing idea I want to steal from the Moon Lists newsletter:
“In my living room I have something I call ‘The Table of Tiny Things.’ Its contents are always changing—I’m prone to losing my mind a little when things start to feel static or stale, so I like to have a dedicated place where I can always be moving things in and out. Right now the ToTT is displaying: a book about beehives, a small jade box my friend Katherine gave me, a box of 80’s Oblique Strategies (eBay find!), 3 ceramic cigarettes, a smooth stone from Teshima Island.”
Also, here’s some stuff:
The MYSTERY LINK
The Millions’ A Year in Reading for 2024 is underway. I was going to write my own this year for fun, but basically it would just say: “Dragons.”
Hearth and Heather podcast. I am certain I would be friends with these two women. With eclectic tastes and a fan girl level of enthusiasm, they cover a wide range of seemingly disconnected bits, just like this newsletter. One episode, entitled “Emotional Jazz Hands” mentioned:
Scorched Earth tarot readings on YouTube
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
“What Adults Forget About Friendship,” by Rhaina Cohen in The Atlantic
“Nurturing your community through the winter” cartoon by Sophie Lucido Johnson
“I don’t take compliments well” cartoon by Asher Perlman
Say Nothing (Hulu). We continue to be on our Ireland wave. And, oof!!, this one is a brutal dramatization of Dolours Price’s involvement in the IRA. // In the Land of Saints and Sinners (MGM+, Kanopy). Liam Neeson is a hitman in 1970s Donegal, Ireland. Always disconcerting when you are rooting for people who do awful things. // Donal’s Irish Adventures (PBS). Oh my gosh, is this a lovely travel show! The real star is the dog, Max, who accompanies the former boy band host all around the gorgeous island.
McDonald and Dodds (BritBox). Cozy murder mystery vibes with a fun detective duo. // Vera (BritBox). I have no idea why it’s taken me so long to watch this fantastic dark twisty British murder show. The last season ever, season 14, drops in January, Pet. // War of the Worlds (MGM+). You know I love a free trial! Seasons one and two are really, really good. Season three, not so much. A surprisingly different take on this classic alien invasion yarn. // Moonflower Murders (PBS). Another solid mystery within a mystery show. // Ridley (PBS). I’ll watch anything Adrian Dunbar is in. Especially any moody broody crime drama. // Marlow Murder Club (PBS). I love cheering on these citizen mystery-solving women! And that gorgeous town of Marlow is real.
The Boyfriend (Netflix.) My bestie and I watch TV together every week, something we started when he left me for Chicago three years ago. We cannot stop talking about this Japanese show where a group of gay men live in a house looking for a love connection with each other. It’s oddly wholesome and infuriating and emotional and gay, but not in an American way gay. We watched with the voiceover, which makes for a weird disconnect, and then went back and watched an episode using the subtitle feature instead and it wasn’t nearly as jarring. Also, the theme song will grow on you!
The last word, according to the sages, scholars, dissidents, Cassandras, warriors, preppers, and truthtellers — a range of reactions and advice for current times (you pick and choose what resonates for you):
“How to survive the broligarchy: 20 lessons for the post-truth world” —
Carole Cadwalladr, British investigative journalist who was the target of horrid online abuse after she exposed the Facebook-Cambridge Analytica scandal
“I Watched Orbán Destroy Hungary’s Democracy. Here’s My Advice for the Trump Era” — Gábor Scheiring, former member of the Hungarian parliament
“Understanding Election Trauma: How Our Bodies Respond to Political Stress” — Annie Wright, psychotherapist and relational trauma recovery specialist
“Things to Do Before Trump Takes Office” — Jessica Wildfire, my go to resource for the grimmest view on what might happen (we all need to consult someone who imagines far worse than we are able.)
“The WIRED Guide to Protecting Yourself from Government Surveillance” — If WIRED is putting this out there, maybe we should pay attention.
“On Tyranny” — Timothy Snyder, Yale history professor (This is a quick overview of the rules for fighting fascism. I recommend purchasing the slightly longer version of this with specific examples from Nazi Germany.)
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Currently Reading: A Court of Wings and Ruin, Sarah J. Maas
Sending virtual hugs and coziness. 📚 ☕️